How to be Right
I’m right an awful lot of the time. Being right isn’t about being loud, violent, or tenacious. Being right is about being willing to give up when your position becomes less certain. So often times I start out wrong, and only become right when someone points out my error. The challenge of being right that I have the easiest time seeing in myself and others is an unwillingness to give up a position that holds sentimental sway.
When I argued with friends about nuclear power or the population of the planet, I didn’t convince anyone of anything. Not because I was wrong, or because I didn’t have a well constructed argument, but because the people I was arguing with had an emotional investment in the subject. No amount of evidence will satisfy, because the fear of Chernobyl or the guilt of living a consumer-driven developed-world lifestyle makes certain unreasonable choices very appealing emotionally.
Sentimental attachment is a trap anyone can fall into. Sometimes the thought of something being true makes us feel good–whether it’s a supreme being, our immanent salvation by renewable energy, or anything that seems to justify a lifestyle choice we’re just not sure about otherwise. Usually the sign of such an attachment is a very defensive response to any kind of criticism, no matter how level. Instead of arguments structured around evidence, these defenses tend to to betray a feeling that the subject in question must be true no matter what.
I usually walk away. I don’t know if letting the sentimental devotee have the last word just lends them more wood for their fire, but I usually find that I can’t even get a direct response to my critique or a single citation of evidence, so it certainly feels like I’m waisting my time. I do know that when I’ve been the emotionally invested, I usually don’t back down until I get something from somewhere unexpected that makes me reflect on my own position. At least for me, the direct approach never works–so when dealing with others I try to back off when the emotions are running high.
My smug title bar makes it sound simple. How to be right? Don’t get attached to ideas–they can be wrong. It’s a lot easier to say than to do, but I think it might be even harder to know how to handle one’s self when confronted with an intensely emotional defense. For the defender, it’s just a matter of holding their ground against any onslaught. For the critic, it’s about communicating without damaging another person’s well-being and friendship.
August 11th, 2010 at 9:38 pm
It’s very hard for people to change their ideas. Even when we know that there’s a bias toward keeping beliefs we already have, it’s extremely hard to correct for.
Add that to the fact that in the face of argument, humans have a tendency to buckle down; if someone believes in something, any argument generally strengthens the belief.
I’ve actually changed my parent’s minds about nuclear energy, so it’s not as if changing people’s minds is impossible. I’ve found the argument tactics that work for me are as follows:
1) Don’t present the idea as an adversarial position. Talk about something you’re genuinely interested in; not because they have the opposite view, but because you want to talk about it.
2) Don’t push. If someone is getting defensive, it means they’re starting to dig in, and all you succeed in doing if you continue is to make yourself the bad guy.
3) Mention your opinion if the situation comes up, but let the subject drop if other people don’t want to talk about it. If, on the other hand, they ask you about it, answer honestly and completely.
Obviously, as someone who professes rationalism, I’d like to think that I am swayed by good argument alone. I have to admit though, that, even knowing my biases, I’m much more likely to be swayed in engaging conversation than in argument.